The Desert Trumpet: Terms of Engagement

Terms of Engagement: Being Ethically Non-monogamous

JoJo Blake — Thu, 12 Feb 2026 14:02:39 GMT

Illustration by Sara M. Lyons.

As Valentine’s Day approaches, we’re surrounded by familiar images of love — couples sharing candlelit dinners, exchanging flowers, and celebrating romance together. Whether it’s a traditional heterosexual couple or a couple that identifies within the LGBTQ+ community, these moments often reflect the same message: love is typically shown as a committed, monogamous partnership between two people.

While these representations resonate with many, they also present just one version of what is commonly accepted as traditional relationships. Many portrayals tend to center monogamy as the standard, leaving little room to explore the diversity of connections that exist beyond traditional or what is commonly named “normal.” Recognizing this broader spectrum is an important part of building understanding and openness around relationships.

After writing last month’s column, I began thinking more deeply about examples of sex positivity. I wanted to introduce the many different relationship styles that exist and explain how they differ from one another. The overarching term for these relationships—or more accurately, this lifestyle—is one in which every person involved has knowledge of and gives consent to all actions and dynamics taking place.

What Is Ethical Non-Monogamy?

Many alternative lifestyle relationships use a structure called Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM), also referred to as consensual non-monogamy. ENM is best described as relationships in which all parties involved have agreed to having multiple partners together and separately.

There are four main key points to keeping an ethical dynamic:

Communication: Open and honest conversations about fears, jealousy, desires, relationship status, and the emotions that arise among all partners involved. It is important to allow space to resolve misunderstandings. Remember, it is not wrong to feel jealous—it is a human emotion. What matters is allowing yourself to feel it and working to understand what need is not being met.
Respect: Honoring each partner’s individual needs, boundaries, feelings, and choices. Every person involved has given consent, and that consent can be revoked if communication and respect are not being upheld. Remember, respect means that your partner’s needs have been communicated and actively addressed. Ignoring needs or failing to ask about them is not respectful and is not ethical.
Mutual Consent: All partners in a relationship must be fully aware, acknowledged, enthusiastic, conscious, soberly and freely giving consent. Consent should be discussed at the beginning of new connections and with any partners outside the established dynamic. Remember that consent isn’t only sexual, it is necessary in physical and emotional relationships. It should be given in every situation and can be withdrawn at any time by any individual. Consent should always be established before any dynamics are formed.
Illustration by Sara M. Lyons
Boundaries: Rules, needs and expectations of all parties involved in a relationship dynamic need to be clear and specific. These ensure that what has been discussed and consented to is acceptable to everyone both inside and outside the dynamic. Remember, boundaries can be sexual, emotional, or related to time management. All boundaries should be consented to, respected, and communicated before and during all connections.

Types of ENM Relationships

Illustration by Sara M. Lyons

There are three main types of ENM relationships commonly practiced: polyamorous relationships, open relationships, and non-traditional dynamics. In this article, we will focus on polyamorous relationships (the most commonly practiced) and cover the others in upcoming columns.

In polyamory or polyamorous relationships, there are multiple romantic/sexual relationships that have the consent of all the people involved. There are five commonly practiced types of polyamory: kitchen table, garden party, hierarchical, solo, and parallel.

Kitchen Table Poly: The most commonly practiced form of polyamory, kitchen table poly describes relationships in which all partners within the polycule1 have some form of relationship with one another. These relationships may be romantic, platonic, emotional, sexual, and/or casual. As most commonly practiced, everyone in the polycule either all live together in a family-type setting or regularly spend quality time together. Remember, it’s called kitchen table poly because all partners can comfortably sit together at the same table, and they have a family-like relationships.
Garden Party Poly: This form differs from kitchen table poly in that not all members of the polycule have ongoing relationships or frequent communication with one another. However, on occasions that may be special or ceremonious all partners involved will interact with each other in a friendly way. Metamours—partners who share a partner but are not in a relationship with each other, effectively the partner’s other partner—maintain honest and open communication. Remember these types of relationships are differ from kitchen table, however, there are no solid rules on how someone wants to practice polyamory.
Illustration by Sara M. Lyons
Hierarchy Poly: Hierarchical polyamory is a structure in which relationships are organized by levels of commitment, commonly referred to as primary, secondary, and tertiary. These levels are agreed upon in advance, and all members involved give informed consent. A common misconception is that secondary or tertiary partners are treated as less important. This is not the case—these distinctions reflect how relationships fit into someone’s life rather than ranking emotional value. Remember all dynamics and relationships must include open communications, honesty, consent, and respect for that relationship to be successful.
Solo Poly: Solo polyamory prioritizes independence and personal autonomy. Individuals may have multiple relationships without merging those relationships. All partners are aware of and consent to this structure. Those who practice solo poly typically do not live with partners, engage in any type of marriage or traditional relationship goals, and regard themselves as their own primary partner. Remember in solo poly, usually one partner is polyamorous and the other partners don’t necessarily engage in a poly lifestyle. It is important to understand that the practice of alternative lifestyles is open to interpretation and that practices may look different to each individual.
Parallel Poly: is similar to solo polyamory in that both value independence and self-autonomy. The key difference from solo poly is that partners maintain separate relationships without the expectation of emotional connections or interactions among metamours. Relationships with the primary partner take place like parallel lines that never cross or interact. Remember parallel is about the separateness of each partner, solo poly is about the autonomy of the primary partner.
Illustration by Sara M. Lyons

Ethical non-monogamy and polyamory show us that there isn’t just one “right” way to build meaningful relationships. What truly matters is the intention behind them—the communication, consent, respect, and care that hold everything together. What works for one person or polycule may not work for another, and that flexibility is part of what makes these relationship styles meaningful to those who practice them.

By opening ourselves up to conversations about alternative relationship styles, we create space for less judgment and more compassion—for others and for ourselves. Sex positivity encourages us to explore connection in ways that feel authentic, safe, and fulfilling. In upcoming columns, I’ll continue exploring other forms of ethical non-monogamy and what they can teach us about healthy, intentional relationships. Remember: stay safe and stay curious.

Note: This column was edited with AI assistance.

Have a question for JoJo? Leave us a voice mail with your first name at the Desert Trumpet phone line 760-362-6099, and we’ll pass it along for a future column. Voice mails will be converted to text, and the identity of callers will be kept confidential. Readers can also email questions to editor@deserttrumpet.org.

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Terms of Engagement: What Is Sex Positivity?

JoJo Blake — Sun, 28 Dec 2025 14:02:30 GMT

Illustration by Sara M. Lyons

Last month I introduced myself and this column, “Terms of Engagement.” As I mentioned, my goal here is to talk about sex positivity and write openly about communication, pleasure, healthy boundaries, and consent, always expressed with compassion and clarity.

What is sex positivity? Put simply, it’s liberation. It’s creating a mindset of looking at people and situations with new perspectives. It’s learning healthy sex habits. It’s understanding that lack of sex doesn’t mean safe sexual habits.

Sex positivity consists of three primary points:

open honest communication: consent, desires, fantasies, preferences, and boundaries are practiced and understood;
inclusivity: promoting acceptance and awareness of different sexual orientations and relationship dynamics and respecting each experience’s uniqueness with a learning mindset;
challenging stigma and shame: open dialogue about subjects that may be “taboo,” education about alternative lifestyles, empowerment as opposed to shame or negative cultural values, sexual health awareness and appropriate contraceptives.

Of course, some concepts fall into more than one category—for instance, communication on contraceptives is crucial, but the use of appropriate contraceptives is also an inclusivity issue.

Communication

Consent is asking and giving permission freely, knowingly, and enthusiastically. It is always given with a clear conscious mind and is specific. It is also reversible at any moment. Consent can presented in three ways: verbal, non-verbal and sometimes even written.1 Consent includes discussing fantasies, preferences, thoughts, fears, insecurities, and experiences that may not be typical.

Consent is also the clear defining of boundaries for what is and is not permissible in sexual encounters and relationships. While sex positivity means the acceptance of all relationship styles and acts or lack thereof, this makes hard conversations about boundaries and learning how to express them with consent even more crucial.

Communication also includes open dialogue with partner/s about topics that may be embarrassing or just difficult to voice such as testing for sexually transmitted infections, whether a partner has a common STI2 such as chlamydia, herpes, genital warts, or HIV and the use of appropriate contraceptives for preventing disease or unwanted pregnancy.

Inclusivity

To be sex positive we have to accept that the wide variety of differing relationship dynamics is impossible to list here and includes everything from brief sexual encounters to on-going casual sexual relationships; from platonic relationships to monogamous or open long-term sexual relationships; as well as relationships built around fetishes. There are sexual encounters taking place in person, by phone, online, on a couch, on a kitchen table, in a bedroom, in your local park and in national parks.

Inclusivity is also understanding that safe sex means that different sexual acts require specific prophylactics such as thicker condoms and silicone-based lube for anal sex or dental dams for oral sex.

Being sex positive also means breaking the silence of common misconceptions on alternative lifestyles: Polyamory, Open Relationships, Monogamy, Asexuality, Pet Play, Age Regression, and more. It is also accepting that there is no moral hierarchy; no one relationship dynamic is better or worse than the other.

It can be scary or different at first, but there are communities and worlds that exist and have existed for decades that many people are curious about but are lacking information, while at the same times members of those communities often do not feel seen or heard.

Illustration by Sara M. Lyons

Challenging stigma and shame

Sex positivity is defining and challenging social norms with positive and trauma-informed language. When speaking of ourselves or others it is important to speak with intention — acknowledging that language alone can be offensive/or upsetting in a way that many people don’t understand. Trauma-informed language is a way of speaking that includes every individual’s experience and acknowledges that some words, phrases, or situations can be triggering (a reaction to a situation that results in an emotional response).

Challenging stigma is the learning of new experiences and opportunities that normally are dismissed or commonly misperceived. When challenging stigma, we begin to challenge shame. Shame exists when we allow our biases and our repressed ideas to surface. The antidotes for shame is curiosity and vulnerability. When we ask questions and embrace differences we start to defeat shame.

It is also removing contemporary stigmas around alternative lifestyles, appropriate contraception, and common STIs.

Changing perspectives

The point of being sex positive is to change your perspective and learn about new terms, topics, or unconventional relationships with grace and understanding. It is to understand that all bodies are unique and complex. Therefore, actions that work for one person may not for another and to ostracize someone for their preferences is an antiquated way of thinking.

With this new mindset we can look at changing bodies not as being inadequate or celibate but as new bodies, and, as sexual beings, lean into the discomfort of looking inward. Even casual sexual partners who don’t have relationships defined as ”traditional” still have “traditional” fears and communication challenges.

All we have to do is take our insecurities, our shame, and our fears of inadequacy and face them with confidence and crush them with the strongest weapon: vulnerability. We take the ugly truths we believe about ourselves and douse them with these three things: honest communication, respect for self and others, and acceptance. We ask uncomfortable or silly questions, learn every day, and accept everyone at their core.

Introducing Terms of Engagement

JoJo Blake — Sun, 30 Nov 2025 14:03:04 GMT

Illustration by Sara M. Lyons

Hi, I’m JoJo Blake1, an alternative lifestyle writer, relationship coach and longtime psychology professional with a passion for real talk about love, intimacy, and everything in between—and I’ll be writing a new column for Desert Trumpet called Terms of Enagement.

Sexuality isn’t something we understand magically. It’s often a taboo topic and has us avoiding issues we find too embarrassing to discuss. We may be too shy or even just unsure how to ask the important questions. Most of us have been told half-truths passed down through generations of parents who viewed intimate relations as “dirty” or not something to be discussed outside a marriage. I am here to take on these topics and write openly about things we encounter every day: communication, relations, pleasure, healthy boundaries, consent and everything in between, but always expressed with compassion and clarity.

How do we talk about a sex-positive column without first discussing the biggest problem that many of us face? Shame. Our goal or my goal with this column is to help us unlearn our shame. Most of the time our discomfort stems from misinformation or commonly held myths. To unlearn shame, we must hold space for autonomy, compassion, and respect for all individuals even if we don’t understand them or their choices.

Over the course of this column many topics will be discussed. Remember that we need to be aware of our own biases and be open to learning to communicate honestly, be inclusive, accept others’ preferences, challenge stigma, learn about other lifeways, and be aware of sexual health.

We will define and challenge social norms with positive and trauma-informed language, discuss body image, healthy and unhealthy behavior and patterns, sex positivity, aging and modeling expressing ourselves openly and wholesomely.

As we step into this exploration together, my hope is that you feel not only informed but also supported and empowered. This column is an invitation to grow, to question, to unlearn, and to rediscover with curiosity rather than fear. I’m grateful to walk beside you as we navigate these conversations with honesty, compassion, and courage. Welcome to the conversation!

Illustration by Sara M. Lyons

With over a decade of experience as a sexual assault advocate and six years working in the mental health field, JoJo Blake has spent her career helping people build safer, healthier, more authentic relationships.

As a polyamorous woman in an open relationship for the past four years, she brings both professional insight and lived experience to the table. Whether leading group sessions, presenting LGBTQ+ history and communication workshops, or writing about kink and consent, her mission is the same: to help people connect — with themselves, their partners, and their pleasure.

JoJo writes:

I’ve called our lovely desert home for 15 years, and I’m thrilled to bring honest, inclusive, and sometimes spicy conversations to this space. This is an all-inclusive and open dialogue where we talk about boundaries, bedroom dynamics, and everything your group chat really wants to know.

When she is not working or writing JoJo is cuddling her fur babies, gaming or watching Harry Potter.